Divorce

For I hate divorce," says Yahweh, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with violence!" says Yahweh of Armies. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you don't deal treacherously. (Malachi 2:16)

What does God mean when He says that He hates divorce? What kind of divorce is He talking about?

I dare say that He hates divorce because that word and all its meaning is never found in His language. It is a foreign word in His divine vocabulary.

Simply speaking divorce is foreign to His created order. He hates it because it is a virus of sorts in His perfect creation.

Do we not find it strange that the One who sends rain for the righteous and the wicked can use such a strong word when He speaks of something so ‘innocent’? How can He be so judgmental on something His creation finds so normal? What could be the reason for His very strong language? How can He ask us to love our enemies when He hates something we do this strongly?

We find that kind of language when He speaks of things that are contrary to the created order. Abomination is another word we find that is too strong for our accommodating ears. We see the word used when homosexuality and bestiality are the subjects. And I think it is for the same reason. Those words are not in His vocabulary and can also be treated as viruses introduced to His created order.

No excuse can be used to support divorce especially with the expectation of remarriage. No verse is sufficient to support the spread of that virus in society.

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. (Matthew 19:9)

That is a verse we use to defend divorce. But do we also see that it locks out remarriage? And we see the reason when we look at the Malachi verse. I also want us to see the context for that divorce. As opposed to just unfaithfulness, it goes to even before marriage. I understand it to mean that when one discovers that they married a spiritual fornicator (and sex is a spiritual covenant in all ways) then one can divorce. It is not even divorce because that person was already spiritually yoked (married) to somebody else. It is only that you get to discover after getting into a covenant with them. It is divorce because the marriage was public, yet it was null and void because the person was already married. You discover late that you were breaking someone else’s marriage by having sex with their spouse though you had not known.

But it goes farther than that. Even when the cause for the divorce may be justified, they go beyond the divorcee. They completely block the person from getting married to someone else. This is because the person goes beyond adultery to harlotry, serial adultery. No wonder in Malachi we hear of one covering his garments with violence.

Judah sleeps with a prostitute who happened to be a scheming widow. Incidentally there were no scriptures at that time. In our times he ought to have taken her as a wife. But though he confesses that she had been more righteous than him, he never has sex with her again. And why, since she was free? She was his son’s wife though the son was dead.

Absalom sleeps with his father’s concubines. What does the king do? He stops having sex with them. But he does not release them to be married elsewhere by divorcing them. He continues supporting them though doesn’t also sleep with them.

Reuben also sleeps with his father’s concubine or wife depending on how you want to look at it. Jacob doesn’t divorce her or release her to someone else. But he simply takes the birthright from that usurper.

Sex is a spiritual covenant, a covenant that can’t be broken because it is so solemnly entered into. That is the reason it is very important to get into the marriage covenant before getting into the sexual covenant as the sexual is supposed to be the actual sealing of the marriage covenant. No wonder it is called the consummation of the marriage. The sexual validates the marriage.

What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh. (1Corinthians 6:16)

That is the divine order. Sex presupposes and validates a marriage.

Divorce therefore is the rending of a unit (one flesh), destroying and disfiguring it. Tearing something apart forcefully leaves scars and wounds and disfigurements that mar the original appearance. Just glue two pieces of paper together and then separate them later to understand what I mean.

Of course there is pain all over in that rending as some pieces of one will be left in the other, ruling out complete severing of the two apart. That pain is the reason God hates divorce as He wants us to avoid it. It is the kind of pain a father feels when his grown child decides that he is old enough to decide on the course his/ her life will take and goes ahead and leaves school to become a laborer in other people’s enterprises or gets married to a grandmother.

My late grandmother is one of those people who demonstrate the fact that divorce can never sever that unity. She was married thrice. But the third time she left her second husband and went back to her first one. And this experience is very rampant even today. The first covenant is unbreakable however hard we try.

Let me give another reason we cannot use the Bible to defend divorce. If God really allowed divorce; if adultery is the legal ground for divorce then would God not have been acting against His word in asking Hosea to remarry his adulterous wife?

Another thing that our craze for bending the scriptures to allow divorce and remarriage we must mention is grace. Does adultery annul grace? Is adultery the unpardonable sin? Is adultery beyond the cross? Is adultery crucifying Christ afresh?

Lest you think I am rooting for adultery I want to emphatically state that adultery is a sin like no other. Like I have said sex is a spiritual covenant. No wonder we are told that sinning sexually is sinning against our own selves. It is true that sex leaves lasting wounds when it is outside the boundaries God set for it. It is the most destructive sin one can commit as it leaves lasting wounds, wounds that may never heal even when forgiveness is offered.

Terrorism is the result of Abraham making a sexual blunder so long ago.

But Christ died for the sex offender too. His grace also reaches out to people who have grossly sinned in that direction. Rahab the prostitute is found in the line of Christ because God delivered her from that sin. God’s grace can rescue from such depravity.

But grace does not annul the created order. Grace does not annul the commandments.

Grace provides healing for the offended. Grace heals the bitterness that the betrayal of trust adultery causes. Grace makes it possible for the restoration of the fractured relationship that adultery brings. And grace heals the wounds that guilt produces.

I know there are situations where divorce is inevitable. But the Bible never allows for remarriage however progressive that appears in our sight. Divorce can therefore be treated as a legal separation to allow for the healing of the relationship to occur.

Only the death of a spouse is the spiritual validation for a remarriage. Any other is the creation of fallen man.

But the fact that God hates divorce does not mean that he approves abuse, or unfaithfulness, or brutality as some Christian counselors and pastors seem to advocate. It is ignorance to require a person to live with a violent and abusive partner just because God hates divorce. They will get killed. It is not wise to require someone to live with a person sold out to harlotry. They will infect them with incurable STDs.

But it is also not wise to advise divorce under those terms, especially with the notion of remarriage as that is not Biblical. It is advisable that they separate for healing to take place. It will be a separation to heal the relationship. That is why Paul said this;

And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. (1Corinthians 7:10, 11)

That is the Biblical position. But more important is the purpose of the same. It is meant to provide healing in the hurting marriage.

Remarriage offers a demonic short cut that will bring more hurt instead of providing relief. Like Eve was deceived it appears like a solution and offers immediate solution but we will realize like them that it exposes our nakedness as we carry over the challenges we had in the former marriage to the new one.

Why does it happen like this? To a child, the ideal marriage is the parents’. That is why it has been observed that a girl whose mother was battered will normally get married to an abusive man who will also have come from an abusive marriage. The same trend also occurs where the man is the victim.

But it goes even farther. My wife comes from across the border. My younger brother brought his fiancée for introduction and both families were amazed as the two girls can be mistaken for sisters yet they were born very apart from each other from not only different tribes but even countries.

My default position is the familiar. And this goes even in the choosing of a repeat spouse. What will draw us to the next one will be heavily weighted by our first one; and this because the ‘hell’ started some time after the ‘heaven’ had been enjoyed. This will happen however ‘demonic’ we label the spouse we are running away from.

It is almost automatic. But I also need to mention that most of this happens in the subconscious and this is why we are unable to deal with them as they are more or less instinctive. We will run to that person more like we jump when we see a snake before caring to know whether it is alive or not.

That might the main reason God emphatically states that He hates divorce; He knows what will happen when we remarry. That is why He would rather we dealt with the marriage as running away from it will lead us to a similar one, filling our garments with repeated violence even as we attempt to run away from it.

But it is important to state the reason divorce is rampant especially in church. We are entering marriage with an exit clause in our minds. If it does not work out we will get a divorce. We will then quit when we see the smallest challenge.

We say ‘till death do us part’ when our hearts and minds are thinking ‘since disagreements do us part’. Our hearts therefore condition us more for divorce than they do for marriage. We are more ready for the foibles of the opposite sex than we are for their good qualities. It is like dressing yourself like a fire fighter when you are going to the kitchen just because fire can destroy. You will be so frustrated because all that weight you are carrying to fireproof yourself will make it impossible for you to enjoy the kitchen. It will be increasingly frustrating as the fire extinguisher you have on your back may never be used and cooking may become impossible as you will be unable to cook since you can’t bend in that state or move as nimbly as cooking requires.

The kitchen should be a delightful place. The extinguisher and firefighting equipment should be kept at an easily reachable place as we do not go to the kitchen to cause a fire. Yet that is what we do when we get into marriage with a notion that we can divorce when we have issues. We will have started the proceedings even before we say our vows. Lock out divorce and you will find out that marriage is a good thing as is the kitchen where we get pleasure from cooking whatever dainties we require.

But this also will help us in another way. We will not be rushing into marriage because we have removed all exit clauses. Death do us part is seriously vowed. We are not experiencing the marriage. We are not trying to prove whether our kitchen is safe or not. We are in it for the long haul.

We will not attempt to enjoy ourselves before we make the commitment with whoever we fancy. Sex will be treated with seriousness. We will not want to share our body for the pleasures of a moment because we are saving them for that lifelong pleasure we are preparing them for. We will not want to defile ourselves even with that person we will get married to as it will be like starting to eat a fruit when it is on the tree even before it ripens.

Sex, like marriage will be sacred to us and not something to indulge in at a whim. We will not ‘love’ in a hurry. We will seek more than that feeling when we choose that partner. We will rely on more than those butterflies when we agree to that proposal because we will be making a commitment for life.

Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame. (Song of Songs 8:6)

I like to challenge young people to consider this when the butterflies are fluttering very violently. How do we prove death? We simply die. It is other people who can prove that we are dead. This verse says that love is as strong as death. Can we then prove love? Think like that when the fool asks you to prove that you love them. Tell them to give a proof of death so that you can then use the same proof to prove that you love them. The only proof of love is commitment to a marriage. Sex is actually the proof of the absence of the same. Do not be deceived.

Using the wrong standards, standards that stand against God’s revelation is why the world is groaning and marriages are breaking.

People are talking about safe sex. Can there be safe sex outside the bounds of marriage? In other words can we have safe sin? Can sin ever be safe? Can we take poison safely?

That is the folly of that effort. Sex is never safe unless it is within marriage. STDs and ‘unplanned’ pregnancies are not what make it unsafe. It is the breaking of God’s design for marriage. It is the virus we introduce when we refuse to walk the way our creator had intended for our joy and fulfillment.

Marriage is permanent by God’s design. And sex is what seals a marriage. The abuse of sex is therefore an affront on God and His creation.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

Playing around with sex before marriage, even with the person we intend to marry is the introduction course to divorce. It is like trying to take poison safely. You might not die but the effect of the poison on your body will be disastrous. And it is worse for sex because the wounds will be in the complete person, from the spirit to the emotions to relationships to society to generations.

I am convinced that this is where we ought to direct our attention to be able to bring healing to our generation.

But there are harlots like Rahab amongst us. What do we do about them? They defiled themselves in their pursuit of pleasure and experimenting with the poison that is sex outside its boundaries. Though they did not open harlotry houses like Rahab of old they are not much different from her as they cannot boast about faithfulness to anything except ‘pleasure’, short lived and full of regret as it is.

That is where grace comes in. Like as was with Rahab of old there is enough restorative grace for us. But it is imperative that like her we bid bye to that harlotry COMPLETELY. She did not join the line of Christ just by leaving her destroyed city. She left that city long before it was destroyed when she made a connection to the God of Israel. She therefore could not live the life she lived in Jericho as she pledged herself to the standards and revelation of the God she was joining herself to.

She therefore did not receive justification just because she was married to an Israelite. It happened long before when she hosted the spies, probably even earlier. It happened when she decided to shift her worship to the God she had only heard about. And she knew that changing her allegiance to that God meant a complete change of her life. It was clear to her that it meant her complete turnaround. It meant that she would lose everything she was and had. The fact that she negotiated for her parents and brethren shows that she had even in that blind allegiance placed all her eggs into that worship as to want to pull everyone who matters to that worship. This is beside this topic but I think this shows that an encounter with God, however remote it is must produce a desire to bring others along. This is what is called evangelism as we see when someone encountered Christ.

Someone who abuses his/ her body sexually can be forgiven like Rahab was. But that happens when they decide to leave their past behind and start a relationship to God who has the highest sexual standards as He is the one who created marriage.

Restoration does not come about just because one is forgiven. It requires repentance, a complete turnabout from what I have been forgiven from. It is folly and deception to suppose that Christ’s forgiveness does not deal with leaving my past. In fact forgiveness is unnecessary unless a change is desired and sought. I can’t be forgiven for a sin I am unwilling to forsake.

We are here dealing with those who have defiled themselves before getting married. Forgiveness is possible but not automatic as it will require the conviction of the sins that caused that defilement. Then a hatred of the sin and hopelessness and cry for deliverance from not only the consequences but also the lifestyle that occasioned it. Then like Rahab seek to escape from such a lifestyle.

God will, like He did to Rahab, offer us a fresh new start. In abstinence seminars it is called the secondary virginity as God will offer us a fresh start when we repent. And this is consistent with the scriptures. This is what 1 John 1: 9 and Psalm 105: 12 says.

But it is not a fresh start to sin.

But it is even better if one does not have to require healing and restoration because they chose to go God’s way.

Making sober choices when that opportunity for defilement (sex) occurs is for me more meaningful than dealing with all the wounds it causes when that opportunity is exploited. You see I will not require the antidote to poison if I have not taken it. Again we need to remember that sugarcoating the poison has no capacity for reducing the power it has just like the pleasure derived from the sexual encounter can never compensate for the pain it causes when it is outside the boundaries God set for it.

Even the sex appeal is a very poor guide on the rewards of the union as we see with Amnon. Though he had been sick and lost considerable weight because of his love for Tamar, sex replaces that love with even more intense hatred.

Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. (2Samuel 13:15)

And I see this happening all the time even today. Love that is not ready to go to the altar is not enough to sustain a relationship. It may not even be love in the first place. Do not be deceived.

I do not need to also highlight the fact that even homosexuality does not just happen; nor is it genetic as its slaves will argue. It is the product of disillusionment and frustration one gets as they pursue sexual gratification outside the boundaries God has plainly set. The pain and agony the spirit goes through lead someone to want sex with someone like them as there may appear like fewer risks since both, apart from being alike, do not expect anything apart from the sexual gratification.

But it does the opposite. They know that it is unnatural and totally abnormal however eloquently they will argue. They also know that it is an act of ultimate defiance to God who created man and woman. They will resort to a lot of grandstanding to convince the world that they are not as hopelessly desperate as they feel in their hearts. It is the devil’s strategy of continuing to keep them in that prison of sin and rebellion.

What am I saying? Avoid sex outside marriage like the plague. It is even more destructive. Wait for God until He gives you your spouse. And do not have sex with them even a day before your wedding. And by wedding I do not mean a grand affair where wealth is displayed. Have a small affair where a few friends and a pastor witness you taking your vows to live according to God’s created order. It might not even cost you money as the vows are the essentials in that affair.

That is the easiest way to kill divorce. That is the best way to agree with God when He says that He hates divorce because we will start seeing it as He does.