(Or Best Storehouse Management Techniques)
1.
Rank givers according to their ability
2.
Appreciate the rich givers publicly using all available
forums. This will boost their morale to maintain, even increase giving as well
as draw in their friends who will be drawn to church and giving to receive the
same acclaim.
3.
If you must, give the small givers a barely
noticeable nod for the pittance they give. They already are connected to God
and will give anyway, even if they were insulted.
4.
Pray openly that those unable to give receive so
they will give as opposed to being able to meet their needs
5.
Track the rich givers and be available to stand
with their littlest inconvenience so that it does not affect their giving.
6.
Raid the storehouse to give the rich givers
money they do not need for their smallest ‘loss’ or disturbance. Only you know
how far that gesture can go to draw in the money
7.
On the other hand make the process so stringent
for the poor givers as they may get more than they gave
8.
Track the spending to the last coin. Get the
receipts for the sweet (candy) given to a child and a loaf of bread bought for
a starving widow. Do not give where there are no receipts. But create room for
your loyalists to manufacture their own receipts to fool the system as someone
must eat.
9.
Reward the storehouse managers handsomely. They
are the ones who know where the money comes from. They are not required to
account for anything since they did not get that position by fluke. And the
storehouse is in actual fact theirs, only using God’s name for legitimacy.
10.
Fund every whim the managers may have, from a
holiday to the Alps to a private jet should they so desire. Buy them the best
the world has to offer. Even God knows that they are the best marketers of His
kingdom and should be amply rewarded for that good job.
11.
Delink the managers from the needy masses as
they may mess his desire for the fine things the storehouse provides for them.
It will of course also reduce the time he will need to pamper the rich brats
whose only link to God is that offering which may be a divine bribe for all
they care.
12.
Preach only what appeases the rich givers. Stop
wasting time preaching against sin and unrighteousness as it might scare some
givers away. Leave that to those small churches and poverty neighborhoods as
they are the ones needing a constant reminder of heaven to keep their hopes
alive.
13.
Constantly preach a marketplace gospel as it is
the one bringing in the money. Forget everything but Mammon (oops, marketplace)
in your preaching.
14.
Forget about what the Bible says about debt and
start pampering the heavily indebted in your preaching. You see among the most
generous is someone with a lot of unplanned and unearned money and so might be
the source of a lot of the money in your storehouse. Pampering them may also
help you deal with guilt on your part of the mess as well as getting them into
the debt trap since they must always connect to the storehouse for divine favor.
15.
Never
question the source of the money being brought to the storehouse; just cleanse
it. Encourage thieves, fraudsters, harlots to bring all that loot to the
storehouse as money is of one color.
16.
Clamp down on those seeing differently;
especially if they are backed by scripture and character and will clearly show
you the folly of your ways however well fed you are. Use whatever means to run
them out of the church’s positions of influence (and that because you know that
trying to excommunicate them could very easily backfire on you as they have
heaven’s backing).
17.
Make money the only qualification for
leadership; people with money or hungry enough for it to overlook your folly
and outright sin tendencies.
18.
Reward sycophancy and blind loyalty as this is
the kind of crowd that would not have a problem sinning to fight for you. Bring
them into leadership as you are getting rid of the spiritually mature people of
character.
19.
Treat the pulpit as your personal property. Even
God has to consult you to get somebody else occupy it even for a moment because
it might affect the giving.
20.
Forget about sabbatical leave and retirement
though you found your church with a policy and have been there for fifty years
and never taken any. Like politicians stretch it until you die or have
feathered your nest enough (if Mammon ever says so). You never know whether the
flock may be able in your long absence to see through your spiritual
acrobatics. God may just overstep you and give them someone who really feeds
them and you come back and they tell you they want nothing with your childish
stunts
21.
Give only
where similar returns can be expected. Empower churches that can give something
back. Let others give to those places and churches with no capacity to ‘revenge’
22.
Forget, forget, and forget the poor. They have
absolutely nothing to add to the storehouse. Even Jesus said the poor we will
always have with us. Why should we try to fight Him?
23.
However use the poor to raise funds for project
this or that. But drop them as soon as the money starts pouring in
24.
Use the storehouse to open other avenues of getting
an extra coin and the pulpit to market those entrepreneurial ventures of the
managers. Write books and record songs because the pulpit is the most potent
yet free advertisement forum. Use the same forum to market other conmen like
you so that he does the same with your efforts at competing with Mammon. Such
synergy explodes the earnings. Again do not forget to use everything at your
disposal to block sober materials from getting to your people as they might
pollute them with the truth
25.
Make the church as secular as possible as nobody
ever died from worldliness yet holiness may chase some supporters and we need
every single coin
26.
Push for the church to pass secular (worldly)
qualifications of relevance and success because then the world will flock to
the church with offerings
27.
Make the financial breakthrough the greatest
miracle, easily overshadowing healing, rising from the dead, and even
salvation. Make that the only testimony worth sharing. You see it is the only
miracle with an immediate financial implication to the storehouse and its
managers.
These are a few of the teachings of the church growth experts, only
cleverly camouflaged to appear scriptural. Others are traditions of churches,
especially the ones with a large membership. This can thus be a follow up on my
posts concerning the storehouse (Mal. 3: 10), only that I have introduced sad
humor to put the point across. Comments are welcome. But please avoid the folly
of arguing because your church is doing it but because it is the plain teaching
of the Bible.
And if you must hate my importunity, dump it back to the Bible or take
that case to God. He will clear the confusion. As is usual with such posts, I
have intentionally left out scripture references to open the discussion. Then
more Bibles will be opened.
God
bless you
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