Of Love and Stable Marriage

I want to burst one of the most treasured bubbles of our time by pointing at a few scriptural examples.

Must you be in love to get married?

I know that a great many of us will say that it is essential, even foundational to a happy marriage.

Yet do you realize that there is no place in the scriptures you will see that as a requirement? Do you realize that times we see love before marriage we almost always see disaster?

Amnon loved Tamar to the point that he became sick and lost weight. Yet what happened? Once he had had sex with her he hated her even more.

Hamor loved Dinah, and raped her, probably to compel her to marry him, and it cleared his whole nation.

Jacob loved Rachael and worked fourteen years to get her. Yet do you realize that she caused more pain to him than the other three wives combined?

David loved Michal. Yet was she not a bundle of pain for his spirit for enough time?

Samson probably epitomizes what I am saying. But I doubt many take his story seriously when thinking about premarital love and its implications on our lives.

This goes completely opposite our common beliefs and practice. We think that premarital love is the most essential ingredient in a marriage. Common sense will tell us that people in love will remain in love forever. And that is what premarital love compels its captives to believe and confess.

But reality demonstrates otherwise. Why is divorce so prevalent in societies that prize love as a prerequisite for marriage? Why is it that in communities where marriage is dictated by society, even overlooking the feelings of the young people divorce is almost always nonexistent?

The foundation for marriage is commitment, not initial attraction and compatibility, unless the incompatibility is spiritual. Love is an offshoot of the commitment, not its source.

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. (Genesis 24:67)

You realize that prior to that, neither knew of the other’s existence. Yet that love was able to endure barrenness for twenty years without a plan B that we see with Jacob.

Premarital love clouds judgment, always. Many times it rejects logic and sense from people not so blinded.

I know that were it not that God protected me, I could not have come to where He has brought me when I look back at some of the girls I had loved and had wanted to make mine. I doubt I could have been able to obey God to the point I am at had God allowed me to marry any of them.

I know pastors who have been swallowed up in materialism and greed who were red hot with the Gospel and God’s call before they met and married those first ladies (as they like being called). In fact they are the reason they must be made pastors in the church or ministry their husband leads because they must occupy some prominent place. Others must lead this or the other ministry or department because they are not content being a pastor’s wife only. Some even start ministries, Bible Studies, anything to ensure that the girl is at the top. They are many times the reason for the upsurge of motivational instead of prophetic preaching in most churches. She must not be offended even by the scriptures.

I doubt those pastors were lead to that girl through prayer. They fell so in love that they were unable to rise up for God.

I have talked about the enemy of our souls making those key connections by placing those girls in a place we are unable to resist. Then their beauty so enamels us that we are unable to see anything else. We even see her when we pray for direction as she will have already captured our souls and therefore corrupted our spirit.

Then we will make the plunge, sadly, one irreversible one.

What are some of the dangers of premarital love, even exempting the danger of fornication, which is an ever present temptation? What happens when I fall in love?

What may be the cause of my falling in love?

Many times what draws one to fall in love is the purely external; the face, the body shape, the voice, the gait, the money, etc.

Why do I say this?

We have no capacity to see the inside; the spirit and its fruit, character. Like God told Samuel, we only have the capacity to see the externals. Only His revelation can connect us to the spiritual.

How many have gotten married to that extremely spiritual person who later discovered a great rottenness when they got to live with them?

One thing I have observed over the years is that the forbidden is normally very appealing. Have you seen girls from those clans that can’t be married and how they excel in beauty? And I am talking about many tribes as I have interacted with them in the course of my studies and ministry. It almost appears as if we are forbidden from the best and most appealing (remember Eve?).

Or have you noticed that girls from families with issues; witchcraft, drunkenness, violence, are many times everything you would require in a woman outwardly? And I am talking about families you know. Just look around and tell me what you see. Most harlots are very beautiful and innocent looking you wonder where they get the courage to stand on street corners dressed the way they do.

How did Esau get married to two Canaanite girls without realizing that they were grief to his parents? I suspect their beauty captured him to the point that he forgot that he had parents or even that he had a spiritual heritage to carry on. No wonder he lost it.

The externals are very deceptive. And they cloud the spiritual, sometimes completely.

When you hear people saying that love is blind, this is what they mean. And they are always speaking about this love based on the externals.

I have loved girls who would have trashed my commitment to scripture had I married because I would have gone against the scriptures to marry them. Yet I was in ministry even then. And in the blindness of that love I was unable to see my clear violation of scripture.

I was challenged about what I saw in a dream concerning a girl because I was captured by her that I could not dream anything else, even when I prayed, because I had fallen in love. And I love that word fallen. And nothing could get my eyes off my vision of her.

On some we fall slowly in love, which is even more dangerous because we discover when we are so deep in the pit of premarital love that it will become almost impossible to get out of it.

I thank God that He delivered from a lot of that folly, if I may call it so, due to His love for me and His plans for my life and ministry.

You are unable to gauge the spirituality of someone you love before you marry them. You are therefore taking a greater gamble than the lottery in using that love to gauge your suitability for each other because you cannot see their inner suitability. And I am talking about people who meet in church. I am talking about people who worship together and do other spiritual things together.

That is the reason in most cultures, even in the Bible; spouses are got by parents instead of being left to the young people. Even in mine where young people are allowed to make a choice, it is clear that one must consult widely (family, clan, age mates) before taking the plunge.

But what happens when there are no support structures like we have today? Where do our young people turn to make those decisions that will affect their lives completely, even going to their posterity?

Does the church have systems to help these young people charter these turbulent waves of life? Does it even realize that there is any danger?

Why has it been impossible to even address the epidemic of single mothers, one clear outcome of this problem? Or do they think single mothers are created for such a life? That they are just unfortunate?

Why does the church shy away from addressing fornication, whether it is premarital sex or trial marriages? Do we also realize that this is also one clear product of premarital love?

Do we also realize that violence and unfaithfulness are clear indicators of a marriage built on premarital love?

What are we teaching our children and disciples about love and marriage?

Is Proverbs 31 a lofty ideal or do we set it as a goal when we are raising our children? Do we concentrate on the externals (entrepreneurship and academics) instead of the inner beauty that is the product of a deep spiritual connection to God in Christ? Are we content with physical and financial compatibility instead of spiritual compatibility when we are thinking of spouses for our children?

Solomon fell because of spiritual incompatibility with his wives, a thing God had warned against. Ahab was most wicked because of his bride from an idolatrous nation. Jehoshaphat messed his lineage because he got a bride from Jezebel for his son. And I doubt God was consulted before those decisions were made. I suspect that those girls were just too beautiful to resist.

Marriage is a spiritual covenant. And only a spiritual connection with God can enable me make that covenant the right way. And this way has nothing to do with the externals.

Some of the commands we frown upon are there as guides to healthy spiritual choices.

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD. (Deuteronomy 23:2)

Do not be angry with me. This is the Bible. And I am sure it comes about because God knows the dynamic of that kind of upbringing. I have addressed the single mother in another post on the blog.

God is addressing the spiritual when He issues this directive.

And there are many other orders He issues whose focus is our choices, especially in marriage. Sadly we do not even seek to know them when we are thinking of marriage and family. We are shocked when we are hit back by our choices. Then like Israel in Judges we go crying back to God to rescue us from our folly of ignoring Him and His word. Yet we are not even interested to find out where we went wrong.

So before you are consumed by that heartthrob, ask God to direct you to make the right spiritual connection. And be sure to be swallowed up in His agenda to ensure that you are not praying amiss.

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (Psalm 37: 4, 5)

It will be very difficult for you to be swallowed by passion if you are so connected to God and His will. No love can override that commitment. Remember the Bible talking about the one who delights in God being delivered from the snares of the wayward woman, which actually means a woman outside the confines of God’s will. Of course I will give you another verse I love to quote.

If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. (John 15:7)

Does that describe you?

What if you fell in the trap of premarital life and now are in a marriage that is torture? Does God have something for you? Is there hope for you?

I believe there is. But it must start with getting right with God first. You must agree with God completely for there to be any hope for you.

And you must confess your folly, even sin of walking in the flesh when you followed your heart in making that choice. You must also be ready to seek God even more to be able to walk with Him amidst those injuries.

You must ask and be ready to allow God to recreate Himself in you to enable you to lie on the bed you made. This will allow Him to redeem you error, even sin of not walking according to His precepts and walking instead according to the standards of the world.

This will give Him the opportunity of recreating Himself in you by filling you with His Spirit to enable you to live successful even with the bride/groom from hell. You will be able to cover them like Christ did with Judas or Obadiah with Ahab without broadcasting to the whole world the kind of error you live with. You will not divorce them since God will provide adequate grace to live with them as He would. 1 Corinthians 7: 10 – 17 deals with that.

I am sure this is the kind of victory God envisioned when He allowed you to walk according to your eyes. You can still overcome.

Will you agree with God?

The Closet, the Power

Now when Ezra had prayed, and when he had confessed, weeping and casting himself down before the house of God, there assembled unto him out of Israel a very great congregation of men and women and children: for the people wept very sore. (Ezra 10:1)

When Jesus said that our prayer should originate from the closet, He not only talked about privacy, but especially about power. That is why He said that what we will be doing in the closet will be made evident in public.

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. (Matthew 6:6)

Ezra knew that secret long before those words were spoken.

That was the reason he went into prayer when he discovered spiritual corruption and defilement.

And the results bailed him out. What he was doing in his closet was enough to send a powerful conviction on the guilty parties. And it went as far as being willing and ready to take action.

That is what the closet does. It gives God space to show off. That is why we are advised to hide in that closet. People will only see the results of our investment in that closet.

Glorying in public praying elevates you above God, many times behaving as if He is your servant. Even His answering our prayers under those times does not result in the growth of our faith and worship, unless it is faith in us and our exertion. That is why that kind of prayer is called the prayer of hypocrites. We even use scripture as bait for God to be compelled to act in our interest.

There are therefore two key things that compose the closet; praying in secret and consistent scripture intake. That is what made Ezra powerful.

Jesus as our example withdrew from ministry to the closet. No wonder He said that He did only what He saw His Father doing. That is one clear product of the closet.

Will you develop the closet as your prayer strategy?

As You Vote

Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the LORD is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed. (1Samuel 2:3)

The fear of the LORD is to hate evil: pride, and arrogancy, and the evil way, and the froward mouth, do I hate. (Proverbs 8:13)

And I will punish the world for their evil, and the wicked for their iniquity; and I will cause the arrogancy of the proud to cease, and will lay low the haughtiness of the terrible. (Isaiah 13:11)

I want to write about the Kenya elections. I have restrained myself from writing or responding to all the heat being generated from all the conversations.

But I just want to post what I am praying for so that I may get some partners in the same.

Remember Nebuchadnezzar? I am praying that God deals thus with pride in some of these leaders we have. I do not mean eating grass and the sort, though it won’t hurt if it happened.

But I want God to humble the proud Kenyans, from the leaders to the voters and bloggers and commentators, so that they get to know that The LORD is God.

I am praying that God will humble the proud in such a way that they will see His finger print in it. And I want it to be unmistakable to whoever sees.

From the president and the governors (oh governors!) to all the other positions; I want pride to be dealt with.

Why do I pray like this?

Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. (James 4:6b)

I want to see that resistance. And I want all Kenyans to see it too.

Our chest thumping has to stop. And only God can conclusively do it.

I want our children to grow out of the folly we inherited from our parents. They must learn that praying for leaders is not praying for the ones we prefer to win. They must learn that prophecy is not about their preference winning. They must learn that God does not speak just to affirm our choice. And they must learn that the vote is not bigger than the sovereignty of God.

So will you pray with me that God will shock us out of our folly?

The Closet, the Source

In the first year of his reign I Daniel understood by books the number of the years, whereof the word of the LORD came to Jeremiah the prophet, that he would accomplish seventy years in the desolations of Jerusalem. And I set my face unto the Lord God, to seek by prayer and supplications, with fasting, and sackcloth, and ashes: (Daniel 9: 2, 3)

We have looked at the closet and its importance in our faith.

But what are the contents of the closet? What makes the closet powerful? What gives the closet life and delight? What makes it fulfilling?

Sanctify them through thy truth: thy word is truth. (John 17:17)

The closet is the place where we transact with the King of kings.

Let me tell you why the word is essential to the closet. And I will use a king as an example.

Whose word has power when you meet with a king? Whose, between your word and the king’s carries the day? Whose word has the capacity and ability to move things?

Our talking in the presence of the king can only serve to make him speak, because a king’s word has power. Remember Haman coming to meet the king had to listen and do what the king wanted irrespective of what he was coming for.

Where the word of a king is, there is power: (Ecclesiastes 8:4a)

It is not any different when God is the King we are addressing; His word is the one with power and not ours. Our prayer is therefore as powerful as the King’s word we are receiving.

We do not boast about the quantity and quality of words we have spoken to God. We can only boast of the single word God spoke. There is no short cut

Is it not surprising that these days prayer experts are known for the amount of words they speak? That they teach people the right words to pray? And yet they do not teach them to spend adequate time in God’s word to know the releases from God.

I pronounce. I prophesy. I declare and decree. As if God ever delegated that prerogative to man!

Whatever happened to ‘Thy will be done on earth as it is being done in heaven’? Whatever happened to ‘Seek first His kingdom and righteousness’?

Just imagine approaching a king and declaring that he will knight you. How will it appear?

Yet that is what many of us do when approaching God in prayer. We approach God with declarations of what He must do for us. We forget that He is the one who declares and that no declaration of ours can accomplish anything if He has not decreed it.

Keep thy foot when thou goest to the house of God, and be more ready to hear, than to give the sacrifice of fools: for they consider not that they do evil. (Ecclesiastes 5:1)

Our closets are dry because we approach the King with our words instead of waiting for His word. Our prayer lives are dry because we approach him with our bottled water instead of asking to drink from His eternal well. Like the Samaritan woman we gloat over what we have instead of cry for what He has. That can make the closet really difficult.

That explains why we love to make noise in prayer. We think God answers our prayers depending on our decibels. We even hide under tongues to justify our affinity to noise forgetting that God knows what we need long before we even realize the same.

And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear. (Isaiah 65:24)

We do not therefore pray to inform Him about our needs. We pray to connect to His solutions for those needs. That is what makes the closet so powerful, and necessary.

Moses spent forty days on the mount just hearing from God. Not only did he not eat or drink anything the whole time but came out with a glowing face. For me that is the ultimate of the closet, spending time with God that everything else fades into insignificance. And anyone who has spent time in a closet will confirm this.

The greater purpose of the closet is to give us undivided time to spend with God, speaking with Him so that we can get His take on our situation. The reason He requires to speak is to enable us hear His responses clearly enough as they will be in line with our thought flow.

That is why we see God using questions and analogies to teach as we read the Bible. He wants us to hear His message and understand it clearly. Then we will be able to respond with obedience.

A closet devoid of the word is not a closet. Just like a fast without prayer is a hunger strike, a closet without God’s word is a self-imposed solitary confinement. This is because one will just be making a conversation with themselves. And they wonder that they are not seeing much result!

It has nothing to do with our feelings, however powerful they may be. Feeling the presence may just mean that it is another presence that is floating around.

God’s presence inspires holiness, because He is holy. But even more important is that His presence drives us to His word because that is His revelation. And it is that revelation that that drives us to His holiness.

I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name. (Psalm 138:2)

If the closet does not lead me to not just appreciate God’s word but read and obey it, I doubt we understand what Christ meant when He advised it. But it is worse because we are using spiritual words without meaning, what Christ called babbling like the heathen.

In defense of our unproductive spirituality, we argue that God gives three answers when we pray. He can say Yes, granting our petition. He can say wait, meaning that the answer will take some time before coming. Or He may say No, meaning He has refused to grant us our request.

I, however, want us to go farther. Do you know the answer He has given for your prayer?

We try to use God to defend our dumbness to God’s voice. By ascribing God to three answers, we feel safe in our lack of clarity from Him. Yet nothing could be farther from the truth.

God speaks, and speaks very clearly if we are listening. He will tell us the answer if we want to know it.

Remember Him telling Moses that He did not want him repeating a prayer? Remember Him telling Joshua to stop making ‘prayerful’ noise and take action? Remember Him telling Jeremiah to stop praying for his people?

Why should He be vague with you when you pray, unless your prayer is amiss? Why should you guess the answer when He has promised to clearly guide you? Why must you grope in the dark concerning His will when He not only created the light, He is the light.

But we have a problem with the light because we are not ready to follow it to the end. We are scared that knowing His will topple all our apple carts and mess our lives big time. He could even lead us to the desert (as if He will leave us on our own). And we have enough examples of people whose lives He has ‘messed’ by ordering them to do the strangest of things, from leaving stable employment to closing profitable enterprises to moving to the most miserable places.

Noah was told to prepare for the flood when he had never seen a drop of rain. Abraham was asked to leave the security of his people. Isaiah was asked to walk naked for three years. Daniel had to contend with hungry lions. The list is endless.

That is what many are scared of. It is easier to guess God’s direction because then it would leave me enough options should I find an order uncomfortable. I would rather deal with three answers than deal with what I know God wants from me, because then I would have no excuse for choosing otherwise.

The consequences of hearing clearly are what makes the closet a no go zone for many believers. Yet that is what makes it most attractive once one has dealt with that resistance.

I love to hear, uncomfortable as it is. I prefer dealing with obedience, however difficult it may be. This is because it brings such joy and fulfillment that can never be found anywhere else. And it also opens me up for God to manifest in my stumbling obedience because my heart is settled on that obedience.

There are people who do not like to tell me about their struggles because I ask them what God is saying about those situations. Saying that I will pray for them is more important for them, whether I will pray for them or not, than asking them whether they know what God is saying about their situation. They would rather guess God’s will than get it clearly.

And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left. (Isaiah 30:21)

Hearing is one thing. Choosing to walk in where the voice leads is another. And that is the crux of the matter. We want to pray but do not want to hear God’s voice. We would love to share God’s good news but do not want those news to transform us completely.

Will you choose the uncomfortable aspects of the closet to get maximum benefits from it?

If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. (John 15:7)

In closing, let me give us this verse, trusting that God will give me an opportunity to develop this further as there is so much in the closet.

But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God. (Matthew 4:4)

And this is where it was written

And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live. (Deuteronomy 8:3)