Of Love and Stable Marriage

I want to burst one of the most treasured bubbles of our time by pointing at a few scriptural examples.

Must you be in love to get married?

I know that a great many of us will say that it is essential, even foundational to a happy marriage.

Yet do you realize that there is no place in the scriptures you will see that as a requirement? Do you realize that times we see love before marriage we almost always see disaster?

Amnon loved Tamar to the point that he became sick and lost weight. Yet what happened? Once he had had sex with her he hated her even more.

Hamor loved Dinah, and raped her, probably to compel her to marry him, and it cleared his whole nation.

Jacob loved Rachael and worked fourteen years to get her. Yet do you realize that she caused more pain to him than the other three wives combined?

David loved Michal. Yet was she not a bundle of pain for his spirit for enough time?

Samson probably epitomizes what I am saying. But I doubt many take his story seriously when thinking about premarital love and its implications on our lives.

This goes completely opposite our common beliefs and practice. We think that premarital love is the most essential ingredient in a marriage. Common sense will tell us that people in love will remain in love forever. And that is what premarital love compels its captives to believe and confess.

But reality demonstrates otherwise. Why is divorce so prevalent in societies that prize love as a prerequisite for marriage? Why is it that in communities where marriage is dictated by society, even overlooking the feelings of the young people divorce is almost always nonexistent?

The foundation for marriage is commitment, not initial attraction and compatibility, unless the incompatibility is spiritual. Love is an offshoot of the commitment, not its source.

And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death. (Genesis 24:67)

You realize that prior to that, neither knew of the other’s existence. Yet that love was able to endure barrenness for twenty years without a plan B that we see with Jacob.

Premarital love clouds judgment, always. Many times it rejects logic and sense from people not so blinded.

I know that were it not that God protected me, I could not have come to where He has brought me when I look back at some of the girls I had loved and had wanted to make mine. I doubt I could have been able to obey God to the point I am at had God allowed me to marry any of them.

I know pastors who have been swallowed up in materialism and greed who were red hot with the Gospel and God’s call before they met and married those first ladies (as they like being called). In fact they are the reason they must be made pastors in the church or ministry their husband leads because they must occupy some prominent place. Others must lead this or the other ministry or department because they are not content being a pastor’s wife only. Some even start ministries, Bible Studies, anything to ensure that the girl is at the top. They are many times the reason for the upsurge of motivational instead of prophetic preaching in most churches. She must not be offended even by the scriptures.

I doubt those pastors were lead to that girl through prayer. They fell so in love that they were unable to rise up for God.

I have talked about the enemy of our souls making those key connections by placing those girls in a place we are unable to resist. Then their beauty so enamels us that we are unable to see anything else. We even see her when we pray for direction as she will have already captured our souls and therefore corrupted our spirit.

Then we will make the plunge, sadly, one irreversible one.

What are some of the dangers of premarital love, even exempting the danger of fornication, which is an ever present temptation? What happens when I fall in love?

What may be the cause of my falling in love?

Many times what draws one to fall in love is the purely external; the face, the body shape, the voice, the gait, the money, etc.

Why do I say this?

We have no capacity to see the inside; the spirit and its fruit, character. Like God told Samuel, we only have the capacity to see the externals. Only His revelation can connect us to the spiritual.

How many have gotten married to that extremely spiritual person who later discovered a great rottenness when they got to live with them?

One thing I have observed over the years is that the forbidden is normally very appealing. Have you seen girls from those clans that can’t be married and how they excel in beauty? And I am talking about many tribes as I have interacted with them in the course of my studies and ministry. It almost appears as if we are forbidden from the best and most appealing (remember Eve?).

Or have you noticed that girls from families with issues; witchcraft, drunkenness, violence, are many times everything you would require in a woman outwardly? And I am talking about families you know. Just look around and tell me what you see. Most harlots are very beautiful and innocent looking you wonder where they get the courage to stand on street corners dressed the way they do.

How did Esau get married to two Canaanite girls without realizing that they were grief to his parents? I suspect their beauty captured him to the point that he forgot that he had parents or even that he had a spiritual heritage to carry on. No wonder he lost it.

The externals are very deceptive. And they cloud the spiritual, sometimes completely.

When you hear people saying that love is blind, this is what they mean. And they are always speaking about this love based on the externals.

I have loved girls who would have trashed my commitment to scripture had I married because I would have gone against the scriptures to marry them. Yet I was in ministry even then. And in the blindness of that love I was unable to see my clear violation of scripture.

I was challenged about what I saw in a dream concerning a girl because I was captured by her that I could not dream anything else, even when I prayed, because I had fallen in love. And I love that word fallen. And nothing could get my eyes off my vision of her.

On some we fall slowly in love, which is even more dangerous because we discover when we are so deep in the pit of premarital love that it will become almost impossible to get out of it.

I thank God that He delivered from a lot of that folly, if I may call it so, due to His love for me and His plans for my life and ministry.

You are unable to gauge the spirituality of someone you love before you marry them. You are therefore taking a greater gamble than the lottery in using that love to gauge your suitability for each other because you cannot see their inner suitability. And I am talking about people who meet in church. I am talking about people who worship together and do other spiritual things together.

That is the reason in most cultures, even in the Bible; spouses are got by parents instead of being left to the young people. Even in mine where young people are allowed to make a choice, it is clear that one must consult widely (family, clan, age mates) before taking the plunge.

But what happens when there are no support structures like we have today? Where do our young people turn to make those decisions that will affect their lives completely, even going to their posterity?

Does the church have systems to help these young people charter these turbulent waves of life? Does it even realize that there is any danger?

Why has it been impossible to even address the epidemic of single mothers, one clear outcome of this problem? Or do they think single mothers are created for such a life? That they are just unfortunate?

Why does the church shy away from addressing fornication, whether it is premarital sex or trial marriages? Do we also realize that this is also one clear product of premarital love?

Do we also realize that violence and unfaithfulness are clear indicators of a marriage built on premarital love?

What are we teaching our children and disciples about love and marriage?

Is Proverbs 31 a lofty ideal or do we set it as a goal when we are raising our children? Do we concentrate on the externals (entrepreneurship and academics) instead of the inner beauty that is the product of a deep spiritual connection to God in Christ? Are we content with physical and financial compatibility instead of spiritual compatibility when we are thinking of spouses for our children?

Solomon fell because of spiritual incompatibility with his wives, a thing God had warned against. Ahab was most wicked because of his bride from an idolatrous nation. Jehoshaphat messed his lineage because he got a bride from Jezebel for his son. And I doubt God was consulted before those decisions were made. I suspect that those girls were just too beautiful to resist.

Marriage is a spiritual covenant. And only a spiritual connection with God can enable me make that covenant the right way. And this way has nothing to do with the externals.

Some of the commands we frown upon are there as guides to healthy spiritual choices.

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD. (Deuteronomy 23:2)

Do not be angry with me. This is the Bible. And I am sure it comes about because God knows the dynamic of that kind of upbringing. I have addressed the single mother in another post on the blog.

God is addressing the spiritual when He issues this directive.

And there are many other orders He issues whose focus is our choices, especially in marriage. Sadly we do not even seek to know them when we are thinking of marriage and family. We are shocked when we are hit back by our choices. Then like Israel in Judges we go crying back to God to rescue us from our folly of ignoring Him and His word. Yet we are not even interested to find out where we went wrong.

So before you are consumed by that heartthrob, ask God to direct you to make the right spiritual connection. And be sure to be swallowed up in His agenda to ensure that you are not praying amiss.

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. (Psalm 37: 4, 5)

It will be very difficult for you to be swallowed by passion if you are so connected to God and His will. No love can override that commitment. Remember the Bible talking about the one who delights in God being delivered from the snares of the wayward woman, which actually means a woman outside the confines of God’s will. Of course I will give you another verse I love to quote.

If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. (John 15:7)

Does that describe you?

What if you fell in the trap of premarital life and now are in a marriage that is torture? Does God have something for you? Is there hope for you?

I believe there is. But it must start with getting right with God first. You must agree with God completely for there to be any hope for you.

And you must confess your folly, even sin of walking in the flesh when you followed your heart in making that choice. You must also be ready to seek God even more to be able to walk with Him amidst those injuries.

You must ask and be ready to allow God to recreate Himself in you to enable you to lie on the bed you made. This will allow Him to redeem you error, even sin of not walking according to His precepts and walking instead according to the standards of the world.

This will give Him the opportunity of recreating Himself in you by filling you with His Spirit to enable you to live successful even with the bride/groom from hell. You will be able to cover them like Christ did with Judas or Obadiah with Ahab without broadcasting to the whole world the kind of error you live with. You will not divorce them since God will provide adequate grace to live with them as He would. 1 Corinthians 7: 10 – 17 deals with that.

I am sure this is the kind of victory God envisioned when He allowed you to walk according to your eyes. You can still overcome.

Will you agree with God?