Bearing, Adopting and Other Parenting Issues

O foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you, that ye should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ hath been evidently set forth, crucified among you? (Galatians 3:1)

Let us look at the church with a parent’s lens. It will help us appreciate the reason we have the issues we see in the church today. That a parent determines to a very huge extent how a child turns out is not in doubt.

The major reason is that the relationship between a child and parent will set in motion a path (I may call it a rut) the child may be unable to leave however hard he tries. That is the plain teaching of the Bible.

What do I mean? You may be wondering.

Do you know how hard it is to discipline a neighbor’s child, however undisciplined he may be? Do you know how disconcerting it may be to rebuke, even scold an adopted child?

Why is that?

The parental link is a loose one. And it is temporal however permanent you may want it to be. Sad to say the step-child step-parent bond for the most part fails due to that.

Your child on the other hand is yours and you made the connection that leaves no gaps, no options. You can therefore beat him sore and he won’t think of running away as he has no better place to run to. But it is also because he is assured of love and concern; they know that however painful it might be, it stems from love.

I have had a slight experience with an adopted son. And it was not a pleasant one. There are things I really wanted to say or do but couldn’t as I was not sure his past experiences enable him to handle the new things or facts I am presenting. Their past injuries, probably neglect may have predetermined them to be unable to receive my concern. There is a rebuke I may have but am unsure they may be able to even recognize it as such or may think of it as hatred.

You relate with them with gloves in your spiritual hands. Because they may just choose to walk away from all your love and concern like mine did without notice.

That is why discipleship is so important to spiritual growth. You see, spiritual relationships are not much different. One’s level and depth of involvement in the spiritual life of a believer determines their level of intervention especially if something goes wrong.

It explains the reason very few pastors preach against sin. They are scared their ‘flock’ will run away and look for another shepherd. Another reason is that they really are not spiritual parents as they are not interested in properly feeding in that flock.

If truth be told, they are just interested in the offerings those sheep keep bringing. But even if we overlooked the offering expectation, there is no real familial connection to warrant an open rebuke because the pastor is just one of the people the believer meets in his journey of life. He therefore has no spiritual ‘moral’ status to rebuke someone else’s child since their connection consists of the sermons he preaches. His sacrifice is therefore limited to the preparation of those sermons and nothing else.

That is the reason marriages are breaking all around us as no congregant trusts his pastor with his intimate and deep issues since he was never involved in their foundation. They do not trust you with their bosom matters. They will only call you when they are celebrating this or the other as that is what your sermons feed them on. Many pastors know their sheep has divorced from the rumors. And he is not ashamed to be called their pastor!

I have heard pastors complaining that people are filling other people’s offices (who are not employed as pastors) even as the pastors lie idle. One actually made that complaint in a staff meeting. They think the title pastor is all a person needs to approach someone for spiritual assistance. Some pastors get frustrated when they realize that their secretary is more spiritually sought than they are. They sometimes accuse their secretary of sabotage or insubordination without realizing that someone will always go where they are sure of getting the required assistance. It is therefore not strange to find a gateman handling more spiritual issues than the pastor who has employed him because he has a better father heart than his boss.

Why are churches so full of divorcees, single mothers and women who call men dogs? The pastor supports them. And I mean what I have just said.

Why does the Bible say that God hates divorce? It is simply that, God hates divorce. This directly means that He loves it when marriages are healing or healthy. That is God’s standard.

It therefore means that a pastor with God’s heart will seek healing for all those breaking or broken marriages. He will lack sleep looking for solutions for those relationships. And instead of preaching success and breakthrough he will concentrate on healing for those relationships. Because he seeks to deal with one thing he knows God hates.

Some talk of irreconcilable differences. What makes them so? What have you done to decide they are such if the only word you have is from one of the two parties? Has God told you? Has He told you He tried and failed to restore the relationship? How much prayer have you invested in the healing?

A hurting person kicks very hard to prove to the world that they are past the injury; and spiritual and emotional injury is even worse. They may be acquiring this and the other to prove that they have moved beyond the injury and especially to show the partner who was involved with the injury that their departure was of no consequence. That show of success is a very thin veneer to cover a very bleeding heart and spirit that only a genuine shepherd can see.

That is why I am talking about a father’s heart. It is because a good father can see beyond braggadocio to an injury being covered. And it is because he is interested in the inner person as opposed to outside manifestations. He is aware that those outside accomplishments are temporal and have no capacity at all to offer real contentment or fulfillment. They are even worse as they might divert someone’s focus from the eternal. Imagine your sheep going to hell as you are applauding his earthly accomplishments!

The modern pastor is just a druggist specializing in pain killing medication (spiritual). He is not much different from the methamphetamines people take to dull their frustrations instead of facing them. His teaching dulls people from their injuries, making them live in denial as if the denial will make the issues disappear. Then they will start to pursue other interests to fortify that denial.

When was the last time you saw a pastor introducing a couple whose marriage he has helped restore? Have you even seen such an event in any church you have attended? Does it mean that all broken marriages have irreconcilable differences?

It is interesting, however, to find out that the hurting will rarely run to a pastor without a father’s heart, even if he does not have the title. It is just like with children who have a home with the best toys yet will never run there in a crisis but will run to the one with a heart sober enough to parent them.

Have you seen a pastor weeping for broken marriages in his church? Have you seen a pastor in pain because his young people are not seeking his blessing before starting to cohabit? Have you seen a pastor calling for a fast to reverse the tide of breaking and broken marriages? Ever heard a pastor threatening to resign if the leadership does not exhibit Christlikeness? Remember Ezra?

This points to a pastor who is an employee instead of a father. He is what Christ called the hireling. The state of his congregation does not warrant his pain, however agonizing their hurt is.

I simply want to state that a father experiences more pain than his hurting flock/ children.

That is what is lacking in the church today. Very few pastors have any empathy for their congregation. Their pain does not affect the pastor, unless it is those with resources to pamper him. And it lacks because very few pastors are interested in parenting their flock. That is why nowadays the only ‘sin’ warranting excommunication is disagreeing with the pastor or his leadership.

Paul could write those tough words because he was not scared the church could desert. And we see the same when we read his letters to the Corinthians and many other letters. He was writing as a father to churches he not only preached the Gospel to but was also involved in their discipleship. His position of authority over them was therefore not under any threat.

Another thing I will add is that a father is not a crisis handler. He sees ahead of time and therefore prepares the child to avoid danger ahead.

As an example, no failed marriage failed after the wedding. The grounds for the failure were laid much earlier, in the betrothment and the courtship and the preparation for the wedding. It many times starts with the company the two kept and their views on marriage. And of course the foundation was laid in the kind of marriage their parents had.

A good father (pastor) will therefore be more interested in the preparation for the marriage than he will be in the wedding ceremony. Some wedding ceremonies are the foundation for failed marriages for the simple reason that they elevate the event way above the relationship.

It therefore means that a godly pastor will ensure that the relationships of the people under his watch are real and healthy. That display for this or the other is minimized, if not killed altogether as it has a capacity of diverting attention from the real important issues.

Again this is what discipleship is and does.

And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers. (Acts 2:42)

Instruction is a must, instruction on the scriptures. The youth will not be left to wander in the maze of relationships without fatherly (pastoral) instruction as it is a sure recipe for failed marriages.

This is just one aspect I have dealt with. Suppose pastors would ask God to give them His heart for His flock. Will they look at His flock in the same way?

I have not even touched on the hurting, especially the ones whose hurt or shame drove away and the fact that a father will look for them wherever they may have gone hiding. Again as a father he will spare no cost to restore. That is the plain teaching of the Bible. That is one reason David was elevated from shepherding sheep to reigning over God’s heritage. I remember reading the story of a father who became ‘homeless’ on the streets to be able to reach and rescue his drug addicted daughter.

A Biblically persuaded pastor will not only weep for the hurts of those he shepherds. He will actively seek those who even think they are beyond rescue. He will go to the dumpsters to rescue sheep that have sunk that low and have no capacity to even imagine rescue is possible.

Like Christ said, a pastor with His heart will not seek the healthy, but seek the sick to bring them Christ’s healing.

What kind of pastor are you? What kind of pastor shepherds you?